I've been reflecting on my 20's as I've gone down the rabbit hole of #Rich Kids of Beverly Hills. My 20's were not spent in Beverly Hills, in fact no part of my life was spent there, aside from a bus tour to look at the homes of the stars, when I was about nine. I grew up in Calgary, and although I loved the song Valley Girl and wore checkered Vans, I really didn't know much about LA at all. 
What I do have in common with the #Rich kids of Beverly Hills, is that my 20's were totally messy and confusing. It's a deep dive to go into all of it, and I'm sure I will someday, but it's so easy to glamorize youth and forget the legit angst of it. 
I had failed crush after crush, and emotional ups and downs with friends, I drank way too much, did too many drugs and came out the other side breathless and clinging to the side of the pool. 
I love the dewey skin of the 20's, but I am (and have to be) willing to give that up for having my feet on the ground, most of the time, anyway. 

A breakthrough is a change in behavior that results in more vitality and energy. What do you think? That explanation came to me this morning and it sounds and feels right. 
This summer I spent a bunch of time with family and saw some of my best old friends. I hiked, and swam and walked on the beach too, which was amazing. I also made some shifts in behavior.
I'd been holding on to lot of resentment. Old shit. Very old. And with old shit, it can be hard to see it, it feels like it becomes a part of us, part of our identity/personality. Family (for me) is the biggest trigger and also the place of the biggest opportunity  for growth. A change in behavior with family has ripple effects because if we can do it there, then we/i can do it anywhere. 
As someone who has, at times, checked out of my own feelings to take care of others, NOT doing that feels awfully scary. Not doing that with family is almost to the point of terrifying, BUT doing it is liberation! Ironically me not taking care of others doesn't seem to be that big deal for them, and I'm finding that it's actually strengthening my relationships.  
I found that my attitude with my family wasn't as snotty and antagonistic as it had been, once I realized that I could actually take care of myself, say yes, or no nicely and mean it, and know that it didn't equal disaster or being shamed. 
Now I am doing it all over the place! It's quite incredible really! Cheers to breakthroughs! 

This poured out of me this morning. 

In this moment, I feel so connected to the source of my sorrow. This aloneness that I think I have, but I don’t really have. This knowledge that I am going to die, that you are going to die, that we are all going to die. Sometimes it hits me so hard and the regret of time not well spent burrows in, being unkind or misunderstood, of not living up to my potential, whatever that is.
 
I have been insatiable, unsatisfied, rarely present and demanding that the world give me more than the incredible abundance that I already have. I have been seeking that accomplishment that will give me respect, the respect that I have thought I deserved. So that in your eyes I will really matter. Whoever you are, but most especially if I felt you hadn't already accepted me just as I am.
 
My guts just spilled themselves and change is already here. 

With love.

On Saturday I went to the Women’s March in Washington D.C. It was a spectacular and exhilarating experience.
​Here are some of my favorite pictures from the day. 

I just opened my Sunday paper to the NYTimes T (style) magazine and on the cover is the lovely Natalie Portman in a bikini and a turtle neck.  First of all, it's just stupid, wearing a turtle neck with bikini bottoms. Really. 
The article is about her correspondence with the writer jonathan Safran Foer, not pictured and I imagine not wearing a speedo and sweater. 
Why do we do this to ourselves and each other?
What is the negotiation that happens where Natalie Portman is talking about Israeli politics on one page, and on the other page is reclining in her two piece while eye-fucking the camera. It's totally ridiculous and it's the bullshit that keeps young girls in a prison of never enoughness and our boys trapped with idealized and unrealistic images of what love and sex look like.
   
 

Ever battled jealousy? I have and it's a brutal beast that tells us we're not enough and that someone else, or many others are living the high life, while we're missing the boat. 
Stories abound, the imagination takes root and with social media these stories seem to validate themselves. Here's what jealousy does though, it separates us from our gifts and it alienates others. There's a two dimensionality that happens when someone is reduced to the sum of their parts. Wow, that girl is beautiful, she must have the world at her feet - um no - it really doesn't work that way, and we all KNOW that, but jealousy is blinding, it's not rational. 
Recently on a truly enviable (I envied myself) trip to Europe, I found myself playing the comparison game. In the midst of this romantic, beautiful and exciting trip I was kicked in the head by my own thoughts, circling and circling coming back to the idea that whatever I am, whatever I do, it's just not enough. Now, I know enough to know that's not true, but it's not always so simple. What started to occur to me in a deeper way was that I have had an old habit of isolation, of keeping my pain to myself and seeing others as being pain free, rather than understanding that many of us do the same thing. Pain can be a very private thing and that's ok, we aren't obligated to share what we don't want to, however there isn't one of us who doesn't have our own cross to bear and while there are things to celebrate about each of us, it's a real mistake to see that one thing as representative of the whole. 
If anyone has ever been jealous of you, then you will know what I mean, it doesn't feel like a compliment, it feels like you're not being seen. 

" Thanks to demographics, that conservative push is not going to work - the United States is not going to be a mostly white country again - and because genies don't go back into bottles and queer people are not going back into the closet and women aren't going to surrender. It's a war, but I don't believe we're losing it, even if we won't win it anytime soon either; rather some battles are won, some are engaged, and some women are doing really well while others suffer. And things continue to change in interesting even auspicious ways. "  

​Rebecca Solnit from Men Explain Things To Me 

Oh YEA!

This book is rocking my world. For real. 
It's all about raising your personal vibration to welcome and align yourself with the AMAZING life you born to live! HELL YES! 
Thanks Jen Sincero (and Dallas Travers for the recommendation) 
xo
​Jen

This post on ENERGY VAMPIRES is awesome. 

Thank you mindbodygreen.com for posting this. 
It's something I have been thinking about a lot. Being a 'giver' and growing up feeling that was my responsibility has brought a lot of challenging relationships into my life. It's a hole in a bucket scenario. I was used to feeling like I hadn't done much but was always exhausted.
​Well, that was because I was giving all my energy away to those who were happy to take it. No more. I have seen the error of my ways, honored the reasons why that once made sense to me and have chosen a new path. 
Here's to more accountability, creativity, joy and balanced loving relationships. 
Carry on with love in your heart! 
xx
Jen

If you don't follow Humans of New York on Instagram or Facebook you are missing out. 
That's my public service announcement for the day. 
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​xx