I don't even know where I am going with this, but I'll tell you right off, I am in a weird place. Unknown I guess, and uncomfortable. Maybe it's just growth, but there is a lot of anger in it. I am angry at society, my family, myself.
I am a nice person, a good person, I care about others and I usually do the 'right' thing. All true, but I am pissed off, because I haven't expressed myself fully. I am NICE, but I fucking hate being nice when it's a lie, when all it means is that I have decided that 'your' feelings are more important than mine. When I am chomping down and not speaking, just nodding my head because that is what I was taught to do.
I am an adult now, and the statute of limitations on blaming my family is up. So I accept responsibility, but be warned, I am going to be more authentic. Old habits die hard, and the lying smile will come up again and again, but I am listening deeper and harder to what is really going on. Listening to what I really want and need, especially when it 'seems' to not be nice.
Part of why all this is coming up right now, is because of my exploration into this play, I know it, and I know it's part of where Jan (my character) and I merge. We were both raised in a certain way, and there is more to both of us than meets the eye.
I am SO grateful for this work, for this play, for acting, for art. As John Patrick Shanley (who de-friended me on Facebook) says, Theater is the safe place to the unsafe things that need to be done. Exactly. Exactly.
I am a nice person, a good person, I care about others and I usually do the 'right' thing. All true, but I am pissed off, because I haven't expressed myself fully. I am NICE, but I fucking hate being nice when it's a lie, when all it means is that I have decided that 'your' feelings are more important than mine. When I am chomping down and not speaking, just nodding my head because that is what I was taught to do.
I am an adult now, and the statute of limitations on blaming my family is up. So I accept responsibility, but be warned, I am going to be more authentic. Old habits die hard, and the lying smile will come up again and again, but I am listening deeper and harder to what is really going on. Listening to what I really want and need, especially when it 'seems' to not be nice.
Part of why all this is coming up right now, is because of my exploration into this play, I know it, and I know it's part of where Jan (my character) and I merge. We were both raised in a certain way, and there is more to both of us than meets the eye.
I am SO grateful for this work, for this play, for acting, for art. As John Patrick Shanley (who de-friended me on Facebook) says, Theater is the safe place to the unsafe things that need to be done. Exactly. Exactly.
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