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JENNIFER SILVERMAN

FUCK NICE!

3/24/2012

2 Comments

 
I don't even know where I am going with this, but I'll tell you right off, I am in a weird place. Unknown I guess, and uncomfortable. Maybe it's just growth, but there is a lot of anger in it. I am angry at society, my family, myself.
I am a nice person, a good person, I care about others and I usually do the 'right' thing. All true, but I am pissed off, because I haven't expressed myself fully. I am NICE, but I fucking hate being nice when it's a lie, when all it means is that I have decided that 'your' feelings are more important than mine. When I am chomping down and not speaking, just nodding my head because that is what I was taught to do.
I am an adult now, and the statute of limitations on blaming my family is up. So I accept responsibility, but be warned, I am going to be more authentic. Old habits die hard, and the lying smile will come up again and again, but I am listening deeper and harder to what is really going on. Listening to what I really want and need, especially when it 'seems' to not be nice.
Part of why all this is coming up right now, is because of my exploration into this play, I know it, and I know it's part of where Jan (my character) and I merge. We were both raised in a certain way, and there is more to both of us than meets the eye.
I am SO grateful for this work, for this play, for acting, for art. As John Patrick Shanley (who de-friended me on Facebook) says, Theater is the safe place to the unsafe things that need to be done. Exactly. Exactly.
2 Comments
Tiina
3/29/2012 11:35:18 am

I am coming to believe that chosing to be nice is really taking the high road, and even if I don't feel sweet about someone, even if I think they're an ass, there is still value in maintaining my composure. Especially in my line of work. I make it through the day being nice, which is really just civil. In some ways, it's about control. When you succumb to the low road, it's really just loss of control. My one last frontier of low-roadedness, no pun intended, is driving. I have to just let more things go in that arena. Gotta relax.

Reply
Jen
3/29/2012 12:50:20 pm

I agree with you that there is a need for civility and taking the high road, and that it's a choice. It's just that when it's not a choice, but a habit and that I have a problem with. Also, it's really more of an issue with people we are close to, at least for me, being authentic. If I pretend about what I am really feeling, it seeps out somewhere else and that is just plain ugly and unfair.

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