So, this week I had the opportunity to meet someone that I greatly admired, only to find out he was an asshole.
It was a bitter and liberating experience.
Artists are known to be difficult, arrogant and sometimes completely nuts and what they contribute is none the less valuable.
Some of the craziest have been the best, but what is the correlation? Is there a correlation, or is an asshole just and asshole and brilliant work just brilliant?
Acting is collaborative, so being able to play well with others is part of the job. Yes, there have been very successful actors who are notoriously difficult, like Brando for example. He was a groundbreaking visionary arguably the best ever, and  he was a deeply troubled man. Can you be balanced and brilliant? Is there a choice, or are we just who we are?  Does great work necessarily come out of darkness?
I don’t have answers, just questions and theories.
I will say however, that being kind to people who respect you is a better choice than being dismissive and rude, and I will also say that I believe most cruelty comes out of self loathing. So do I bother hating someone who already hates himself? No, I don’t. I send him love and remain grateful for his creation, but I do this from a safe distance, because in my world the best work comes from joy and ain’t nobody gonna piss on my joy.

I don't even know where I am going with this, but I'll tell you right off, I am in a weird place. Unknown I guess, and uncomfortable. Maybe it's just growth, but there is a lot of anger in it. I am angry at society, my family, myself.
I am a nice person, a good person, I care about others and I usually do the 'right' thing. All true, but I am pissed off, because I haven't expressed myself fully. I am NICE, but I fucking hate being nice when it's a lie, when all it means is that I have decided that 'your' feelings are more important than mine. When I am chomping down and not speaking, just nodding my head because that is what I was taught to do.
I am an adult now, and the statute of limitations on blaming my family is up. So I accept responsibility, but be warned, I am going to be more authentic. Old habits die hard, and the lying smile will come up again and again, but I am listening deeper and harder to what is really going on. Listening to what I really want and need, especially when it 'seems' to not be nice.
Part of why all this is coming up right now, is because of my exploration into this play, I know it, and I know it's part of where Jan (my character) and I merge. We were both raised in a certain way, and there is more to both of us than meets the eye.
I am SO grateful for this work, for this play, for acting, for art. As John Patrick Shanley (who de-friended me on Facebook) says, Theater is the safe place to the unsafe things that need to be done. Exactly. Exactly.

We are now finding our 'perfect' director (an affirmation).

I spoke with a prospective director yesterday. She started by telling me that she was a native New Yorker, in other words, been there, done that. I grew up in Western Canada, think Montana, Kansas, Iowa: back yards, easy parking, Saturdays at The Mall. More happens in 2 short blocks in this city than in 5 long weeks where I grew up.

Talking with this intense, very smart, New Yorker was an example of culture clash and the sort of beautiful symphony that can come out of that.
She scared me and she most definitely challenged me. Our styles couldn't be more different, but I am almost fluent in New York now, and I don't take things as personally as I used to. This town teaches you to speak up for yourself and apologize less, which is exceptional for a Canadian like me.

Ultimately our visions weren't aligned and she's not Ms. Right, but I am grateful for the connection we made. I have some new ideas on how to approach this piece for the 'been there, done that' crowd. I'm working on it anyway.

Thank you New York, for the beauty born of your native soil and for the transplants like me, that you lovingly nurture in your particular New York way.

I am sitting in bed, towel around my body, hotel bathing cap on my head. I am letting the very expensive deep conditioner that I bought off the back of a truck at a flea market in the east village, seep into my thirsty locks.
I rarely (very very rarely) drink coffee these days, but today I am high as a kite on three sips. Max made some for himself and I couldn't resist the smell.
What does this have to do with deep thinking? Well, I am pondering that myself.
Yesterday we secured a theater for Fifty Words, and it feels like a very big deal, no turning back now. I don't want to turn back, but there are feelings and thoughts that come up with new action. I am scared and excited, my mentor Larry Moss would say, don't be scared, be curious. I am apt to do whatever Larry says, so I will be curious. Right now I am curious about being scared, what am I afraid of exactly? Sucking? Yes, in a nutshell, that is it! I am afraid of sucking. So what to do about that? Fuck it (children close your ears) FUCK IT! Fear of failure is pretty much part of being human, right? It's the reason so many good people don't do what is in their hearts to do. I am not going to stop, and I am not going to let this fear determine my actions, because not sharing our gifts, our hearts, our work, our love is what really sucks.

Here I am now a WE in a new relationship, I am a WE in friendship, a WE in marriage, a WE in family and now a WE in producership (yes, that's a word).
This is well... new, and like many things new, it takes time to take shape and settle.
I suppose it's obvious, but when entering into new relationships, it's very important to remember, we are all different. I say RED and you picture a different red than I picture- sort of sounds like 'stoned' talk, but it's true, and remember stoners say many insightful things.
My new role is making me dig deep and question myself, how do I feel about this, that or the other thing (substitute real things here). Where do I bend, where do I hold strong. It's only in relationships that our values and choices are tested. Amen to that, I like a good challenge and I am up for the ride.
I feel blessed to be part of this new WE and am excited to seeing what discoveries lay ahead!