I’ve been thinking a lot about my habits and thought patterns. I started to meditate again and have been doing some therapy and a daily yoga practice that's shifting my perspective about myself. The idea that we are divine, amazing, fabulous as we are, is something that I haven’t always been in touch with. So much of my identity has come from striving, from being my own critic and always trying to be better.

Hey, there’s something to be said for self-improvement, but the method is what matters. Comfort and familiarity play a role in this. How I talk to myself is what I am used to and it probably comes from somewhere far back. Maybe it’s a parent or society or what we come into the world with, I don’t know. I bought into the idea that being proud of myself was narcissistic, was egotistical and would prevent me from working hard.

Last week I reorganized the apartment, something I do quite often, I am really into efficiency and moving stuff around brings me a special kind of joy.  In my shifting around of things, our home became a giant game of memory. My underwear drawer is now one drawer lower than it’s been for the last year. I’ve gone on autopilot getting my underwear out of that drawer. I don’t think about it, I just get my damn panties and get on with my day. For the past week I’ve been opening the wrong drawer, pretty much every time. Not only do I open the wrong drawer, I curse myself for doing it. I hear the thought, the reaction, the judgment and the judgment of the judgment. If it takes me a week to get the message that I’ve changed drawers then it will probably take more time to change VERY old thoughts I’ve had about myself. Also, it occurs to me that when I take my time and think before I reach, I go to the right drawer. This tells me that when I slow down I can catch my thoughts consciously.

Last night I went to a casting workshop. It was fun and the casting director had lovely things to say about me and my work, for which I am grateful. I started to do what I have done in the past and pick apart my work, chip away at the scab, but I heard myself, I HEAR myself and I question, is this working for me? Do I need this judgment? Is it helpful? Is it true? I’m always going to be interested in being a more evolved human, a kinder person, a more loving friend and wife a more expressive and connected artist, but the path to this is becoming more and more clear. Give my fabulous self more credit NOW and release the idea that I’m supposed to be at any place other than exactly where I am in this MAGICAL moment.

Practice makes for not giving a crap about perfect. Xox

Thinking about the idea – You can’t build on success you don’t acknowledge.
I hear justifications all the time and I have been guilty of it too- “it’s just a small part”, “it’s a short run”, “the script sucks”, etc. etc.
Does diminishing what we are doing or have done make way for bigger and better projects/opportunities? The logical answer is no. What we think about is what we create. So, as someone who often waits to celebrate my successes, I hereby declare that I will not wait, I will not qualify or diminish. I am proud of the work that I do, the work I have done and what the heck, the work I will do. Success is not an outer achievement, it’s an inside job.  Love thyself and celebrate it all! Xx Jen

I'm in class right now with Bob Krakower an amazing on-camera acting coach.  I started working with Bob this summer and he’s rocking my world. The technical aspects of on-camera auditioning have eluded me and it’s a gift to work with a master who is so incredibly generous, knowledgeable and clear.

Having said that, the learning curve can sometimes feel like a hike.

On the hot seat yesterday, reworking a scene that I had done, watched with the group and critiqued, I wished to have the earth swallow me up. It was a quick and panicked prayer, and it reminded me that I was indeed in exactly the right place.

My business coach Dallas Travers (yes, I have lots of teachers/guides/coaches) says that yucky feeling means we are growing. It’s often been my choice to avoid discomfort, probably not uncommon, but now I see it in a different light.

I sat there watching my thoughts as Bob told the class what I was doing wrong and what needed to happen in the scene to make it work and I made friends with the discomfort. Yes, I thought, BRING IT ON, this is the passage to understanding and as for comfort, eh, maybe not so much.