It’s been a REAL rollercoaster getting this show ready. A draining, educational, fun, scary, wonderful adventure. Many days of, what was I thinking? Why do I do this? Is it too late to go to dental school or be a psychologist? We move into the theater on Monday, and although we still have almost a week before we open and lots of work to do, I feel like I have crossed a threshold.
I have dug deeper than I thought I knew how, both as an actor and as a producer. Andrew Garfield so beautifully said, “There are no victims in this profession, only volunteers”. What a great reminder when I am feeling sorry for myself, when I have the woe is me, this is so hard, bullshit happening. Yes, it is most definitely hard at times, but in the most luxuriously amazing way. It’s the luxury of creating art, of digging deep into life and coming out with something fresh and bright. Wonderful, just wonderful. How lucky am I that I get to do this? I am blessed beyond belief to have a career that challenges me to be a better person, to find new ways of expression and deeper compassion. Fucking awesome.
Allowing the joy of art and creation to really and truly override the need and want for approval and recognition. My ego protests, yes, I don’t want to give up the desire for recognition, it’s driven me for so long, but something deeper and wiser is speaking through me now, it’s the desire to speak the truth, to be the truth, to let go of the shame of being human and understand that we are all in it together.
My ego has stepped out for the moment and all I want is to tell this story, to truly openly and honestly tell this story.

I often write about what upsets me, I find it helpful to put things on paper and get perspective. There have been many times when I have been hurt about this or that and l look back at my writing and I can’t remember what or who, I was talking about. I can go on for pages and pages about something that at the time was earth shattering and when I revisit it, I have no recollection.  That’s actually a very comforting thing, the knowledge that time and perspective are healing. There were many times when my diary was the only thing I confided in, and very often I didn’t even tell myself the truth. Over the years I've learned to be more honest with myself and writing is often the first step in that process.  

Because my writing is so often a tool for healing, sometimes I forget that it can be a way to celebrate what IS working, so today I want to honor that, and acknowledge that in every way that matters, my life is GREAT. My Mom is doing amazing, she's up and about, and will be coming out in a few weeks for the play! I have all of what I need and so much more, I am healthy and so are those I love, I am creating art, I am in a strong and loving relationship, I have incredible friends and a loving family. I am truly blessed and I never ever want to forget that.

I might go back to processing/venting/healing next week, depending on what comes up, but the magnificence of my life is what really matters, that is the foundation that gives all the smaller things voice, and allows for introspection.

Earlier this week, in the middle of an intense rehearsal fraught with drama, I got an email saying my Mother had fainted and was in the hospital. All at once everything else fell away, and these issues that I had thought were important ceased to matter in any way. So what, to all of it, I just want to be near my mother, and know that she’s ok. I feel so far away, and I hate this.

It turns out she’s going to be fine, she has very low blood pressure and will be getting a pacemaker on Monday. It’s not great, but considering the options, it’s not so terrible either.

I am processing all of this, I am tired, distracted and a little bit cut off from my feelings because they go so deep. Something happening to my Mother is my greatest fear and this distance isn’t helping matters. Right now all I want to by lying at the foot of my Mother's bed, breathing in her essence.

Yesterday morning I had a class with an amazing new voice teacher who is helping me in the most subtle and massive ways. Breathing, who knew? I have been controlling the impulse through controlling my breath. In some sense, I have been working too hard. The expiration, the expression is the release, there is no need to control. The inspiration, inhalation is where new information is received. Incredible. I am learning how my diaphragm (no not that kind) works, and how big my lungs and my ribcage are. I am learning that I have been using less than a quarter of my power.

Susan, my teacher, spoke about noticing what is new, exciting and different while working.  Sometimes I come from a place of what isn’t working, focusing on fixing what's broken. Such a beautiful and simple change, giving my first thoughts and air to what is new, exciting and different.

Later in the day yesterday, I found myself in a conflict. It's certainly never fun to be in conflict, but the new thing that happened is when it was over and I had a moment alone, I cried, allowing my breath to release the feeling. The exciting thing is that I feel stronger than ever. The different thing, is that I am loving myself in a deeper way and am steeped in gratitude for the amazing life I have and the love that surrounds me always.