Hey, there’s something to be said for self-improvement, but the method is what matters. Comfort and familiarity play a role in this. How I talk to myself is what I am used to and it probably comes from somewhere far back. Maybe it’s a parent or society or what we come into the world with, I don’t know. I bought into the idea that being proud of myself was narcissistic, was egotistical and would prevent me from working hard.
Last week I reorganized the apartment, something I do quite often, I am really into efficiency and moving stuff around brings me a special kind of joy. In my shifting around of things, our home became a giant game of memory. My underwear drawer is now one drawer lower than it’s been for the last year. I’ve gone on autopilot getting my underwear out of that drawer. I don’t think about it, I just get my damn panties and get on with my day. For the past week I’ve been opening the wrong drawer, pretty much every time. Not only do I open the wrong drawer, I curse myself for doing it. I hear the thought, the reaction, the judgment and the judgment of the judgment. If it takes me a week to get the message that I’ve changed drawers then it will probably take more time to change VERY old thoughts I’ve had about myself. Also, it occurs to me that when I take my time and think before I reach, I go to the right drawer. This tells me that when I slow down I can catch my thoughts consciously.
Last night I went to a casting workshop. It was fun and the casting director had lovely things to say about me and my work, for which I am grateful. I started to do what I have done in the past and pick apart my work, chip away at the scab, but I heard myself, I HEAR myself and I question, is this working for me? Do I need this judgment? Is it helpful? Is it true? I’m always going to be interested in being a more evolved human, a kinder person, a more loving friend and wife a more expressive and connected artist, but the path to this is becoming more and more clear. Give my fabulous self more credit NOW and release the idea that I’m supposed to be at any place other than exactly where I am in this MAGICAL moment.
Practice makes for not giving a crap about perfect. Xox